In a culture where instant gratification is often promoted as the ideal, waiting to have sex until marriage is often portrayed as old-fashioned or extreme. Yet experience, research, and biblical wisdom show that this choice is not about strict morality, but about building a relationship on a foundation that can withstand time, pressure, and the realities of life.
In meeting with today's youth, I highlight how our choices shape our lives – not just in the moment, but in the depth of who we become. The choice to wait to have sex is just such a choice: it is about direction, identity and what kind of love you want to build. Last week I met 200 VG2 students who heard my lecture on boyfriends, fidelity and sex. These students sat like candles for two school hours, and there were many questions afterwards. I believe that these should be separate subject days in every school where they talk about life mastery; because who doesn't want to be successful in their love life? I constantly meet students who lack this competence.
Many modern relationships start with physical attraction as the driving force. The problem isn't that physical intimacy is wrong, but that it's given a place it's not meant to be as a foundation. Research has shown that couples who postpone sexual intimacy often report higher relationship satisfaction, better communication, and greater stability.
This is consistent with a fundamental principle: lasting relationships are not built primarily on emotions, but on character and values. Trust is developed when people demonstrate:
When physical intimacy is not allowed to dominate, there is room to really get to know each other in these areas, instead of just chasing the feeling.
The New Testament is clear that sexuality has a framework, not to limit love, but to protect it. First Corinthians 6:18–20 emphasizes that the body has value and belongs to God. Sexuality is not just a physical act, but something that affects the whole person. Furthermore, Hebrews 13:4 says that marriage should be held in honor, and the marriage bed should be kept pure. This points to a deeper truth: sexuality is meant to be an affirmation of an already committed love—not a way to test whether love is lasting.
Waiting is also about self-respect. It signals:
I know who I am, and I don't give my most vulnerable self to anyone without security and commitment. This contrasts with a culture that often links value to desire and affirmation. An entire world is on a collision course with Christian ethics, where identity politics have confused young people into believing they must try everything to be sure of who they want to be.
The Bible points to an identity rooted in God, not in the response of others. In 1 Thessalonians 4:3–5, believers are encouraged to live with self-control and honor, rather than being driven by impulse. Psychological research supports this perspective: the ability to self-regulate and think long-term is closely linked to better relationships, greater life satisfaction, and stronger mental health. In Ephesians 5:25, love is described as self-sacrificing and committed, driven not by need but by a willingness to give. This is a love that lasts.
In three decades of school lectures, I have met young people who want a bad sex life as adults. Then there must be some "adults at work" who dare to challenge their lifestyle and tell them about the safest way to get there.
