Many people today grow up with the understanding that sexual orientation is something fixed and unchangeable – closely linked to one's own self-perception and feelings. This way of thinking characterizes much of the conversation in our time, and often leaves little room for talking about change, maturation and life choices over time. At the same time, there are experiences that do not necessarily fit into this picture.
One of these experiences we find in The story of Tove and Bjørn Refstad. Tove lived in several lesbian cohabiting relationships, and Bjørn had a male boyfriend. Both were active in the gay community in Oslo. But something happened when they became Christians.
– "No one tried to convert us. Nor did we turn to God to be free from homosexuality. It just happened naturally because of the new life we had inside. It cannot be explained – it must be experienced,", emphasizes Tove (79) and Bjørn (75) Refstad.
– «When we received salvation, we became completely new creatures. The old was gone, and all things had become new..»
When they themselves tell about the path they have taken, they do not point to people, methods or therapy as the cause of the change. What they describe is a personal encounter with Jesus – an encounter that had a profound effect on them and gave them a new understanding of who they were.
For Tove and Bjørn, their encounter with the Christian faith was the beginning of an inner change that was about more than just external life choices. Over time, God's word shaped both their thoughts and the way they saw themselves, pointing to a new direction for their lives.
– «When God's word was allowed to take effect in our lives, everything fell into place. We gained a new identity.», says Tove.
The change was not experienced as something that was pushed forward from the outside, but something that was allowed to grow from within, at its own pace. In the interview in Dagen Bjørn Refstad has expressed that he missed a clearer counterbalance to the message that people should just accept themselves as they are.
For Bjørn, it meant that he needed time before he was ready for marriage. Experiences from family and relationships had left deep marks, and the need for healing and security was allowed to take the time it needed.
– «God's word had shaped me and prepared me to be a husband and a family man. In Bible school, I experienced that the truth of who God says I am overshadowed the painful experiences.», says Bjorn.
Today they have been married for over 35 years.
Both Tove and Bjørn have been open about a life background marked by loss, loneliness and broken relationships. The experiences they carry with them have left a mark, as they do in the lives of many people. Their story reminds us how closely the inner life is often connected to what we have experienced – especially when it comes to relationships, belonging and self-understanding.
This is also well known in psychology and and relationship research. Research on attachment and development shows how early experiences, such as loss, relationship breakdowns, and emotional insecurity, can influence how people understand both themselves and others, and how closeness and identity are formed over time.
This does not mean that all people with homosexual feelings share the same background or life story. People's experiences are different. At the same time, such life stories challenge the notion that sexual identity is always unambiguous, innate and completely independent of life experiences.
Stories like this don't always get much publicity. They can provoke resistance precisely because they challenge prevailing notions of identity, life choices, and what is considered unchangeable. At the same time, they testify to something fundamental: that people make real and responsible choices, and that lives can change in ways that don't fit into contemporary narratives.
The experiences of Tove and Bjørn Refstad point towards an understanding where identity is not reduced to feelings alone, and where people are not locked into one given path in life. They tell of an encounter with Jesus Christ that had consequences for how they understood themselves, their relationships and their choices in life – not through pressure, but through an inner conviction and voluntary response.
When such testimonies are heard, they challenge the claim that sexual orientation is innate and unchangeable for everyone. They remind us that true identity does not only arise from self-experience, but can be shaped and renewed in light of the truth of who God says a person is. Such a conversation allows for both responsibility and hope – even in the face of questions that touch deeply and arouse strong emotions.
This case is based on an interview published openly in the newspaper CNE News, after originating in the newspaper The day.
